Donald Trump has repeatedly promised to bar Muslim foreigners from the United States. More recently, he’s called for “extreme vetting” of such people. Given his pronouncements, it’s not surprising that Muslim immigrants and asylum seekers are worried. But fear not – there is an easy solution for people affected by the ban: Convert to Judaism.
“What!!??! How can I change my religion? I don’t know anything about Judaism,” you say. Do not fret; I am here to help. I will explain to you how to be Jewish. It’s really not that hard. Jews and Muslims are already a lot alike. We both hate pork and love hummus. We’re both perpetuating the War on Christmas by wishing others, “Happy holidays.” And we both really want to own Jerusalem. See, we’re practically cousins.
Besides, converting to Judaism is the perfect cover. Donald Trump’s own daughter converted, and he hasn’t tried to ban her from anything.
So how do you “pass” as Jewish?
The first thing to know is that a Jewish person never answers a question. Instead, he responds with a question of his own, often followed by a complaint. So for example, if someone asks you, “How are you doing today?,” you don’t say, “I’m fine.” Instead, you say something like, “How should I be doing? What with my bad stomach. My fakakta doctor prescribed me some pills, but they do bubkis.” Get it? Let’s try an example in the immigration context. Here’s a common question that you might encounter:
Immigration Officer: “How many children do you have?”
Non-Jewish Answer: “Three.”
Jewish Answer: “How should I know? They never call, they never write. My youngest is running around with some shiksa. And my oldest! Don’t even get me started. I told her, ‘Go to medical school, like your cousin Herbie,’ but what does she do? Majors in Liberal Arts. Feh! Her father and I spend $50,000 a year on college so she can work as a barista. Oy, what tsuress. Just thinking about it, I’m verklempt already.
You see – It’s easy. Here’s another one. Let’s say that someone asks you a question that you want to avoid answering. One way to do that is by minimizing the importance of the question, and then making the questioner feel guilty about asking it. We Jews do that by taking the most important word in the question, replacing the first letter in the word with “schm” and then repeating it back. Often, this is followed by a reference to the Nazis. Here’s an example in the immigration context to help clarify what I mean:
Immigration Officer: “Hello sir, may I please see your visa?”
Non-Jewish Answer: “Here is my visa.”
Jewish Answer: “Visa, schmisa! Do you think I’ve been sitting on a plane squished up like a sardine for the last 12 hours just so some Himmler-wanna-be can ask for my papers? My family didn’t survive the Holocaust, not to mention the pogroms, just to have some shmendrick treat me like a gonif. Next thing you know, you’ll be deporting me to a camp. The whole thing makes me want to plotz.”
At that point, your interrogator will likely let you pass through customs just to get rid of you, which is another advantage of converting to Judaism.
OK, I think you’ve got it. But here’s one last example. This one’s a bit more advanced, so pay attention. If you can master it, no one will ever question your newfound Judaism. In English, most sentences are constructed with a noun, followed by a verb. We Jews often reverse that construction. So we wouldn’t say, “She is a fast driver.” Instead, we might say, “Fast, she drives.” But typically, we’d try to be a bit more colorful: “Fast, shmast. Like Marrio Andretti, she drives.” And here it is in the immigration context:
Immigration Officer: “The fee for your green card is $1,070.”
Non-Jewish Answer: “Here is $1,070.”
Jewish Answer: “Nu? One thousand and seventy?! What am I, a Rothschild? Why don’t you take my first born son while your at it. Maybe you can get some schlemiel to pony up that kind of money, but not me. Anyway, gelt like this, I don’t have. Maybe the big machers can afford your fees, but not us little pishers. Now, be a mensch and hand to me your brochures about moving to Canada?”
So that’s it. Look, it isn’t pretty to have to convert (or pretend to convert) to survive. We Jews have done it before (remember the Spanish Inquisition and the crypto-Jews?), but I suppose it beats the alternative. Anyway, in four years, when Michelle Obama becomes president, you can always convert back.
Hi ,if trump win the election. Can he deport those people who already file asylum. And like we inter USA with visit visa and file asylum. So we have same fear like those people who cross the border illegally . Thank u
Unless Congress were to change the law, Trump could not deport asylum seekers. He can make it even more difficult for asylum seekers to be granted, and I think he would do that, but asylum is based on an international treaty, and it would take an act of Congress to change that. Take care, Jason
hi jason
could you tell us what year the office of Chicago passed the interview
You have to check the Asylum Office Scheduling Bulletin – a link is at right. Take care, Jason
Dear JASON
I filled I-765 via my TPS i-821 case in Vermont service center. Then when 150 days passed, I filled I-765 via my asylum case in Nebraska service center.
I received my card one month ago via my asylum case.
Today, I received notice from Vermont service center that they transfer my case to Nerbrasca service center even I asked to withdraw my case.
When I called USCIS customer service, the operator told me that may be because you filled two I-765, the one canceled the other.
I did not understand how they canceled each other and what shall I do?
Regards
It is difficult to know what they do in a case like this. Maybe they were aware that you filed 2 applications for EAD, and so they canceled one. Who knows? In any case, you got the EAD, so I think you should not worry about the second application. Take care, Jason
Shall I write to withdraw my TPS application?
This what I got from USCIS on my TPS case:
” this is to advice you that in order to speed up processing we have transferred the above case to the following USCIS office for processing :
UCSIS -NBC, PO Box 648005, Lee’s summit, MO 64064.”
If you want to withdraw the case, you can write them and ask to withdraw. I would send it to the address listed on the last letter they sent you. I am not sure why you need to withdraw the case, but you can ask them to do that.
Hello, Jason.
My case for asylum has been pending for 13 months now and most likely will be in the same status for another year in state of California.
I have a employer willing to make transfer me to visa L1/2.
Question – is it really possible? …without going back to country I came from?
Have you ever come across this type of transitions?
Thank you.
If you are still in lawful status (like F-1, H1b, for example), you can change to an L without leaving the US. If you are out of status, you probably have to leave the country and get your L visa outside the US, and this may or may not be possible. Having an asylum case pending does not count as a lawful status for purposes of changing status. This is the main story. However, there are lots of possibilities related what you are trying to do, and so I recommend you have a lawyer review the specifics of your case, just to be sure. Take care, Jason
Hello Jason
Sorry for off topic question. I know you are an expert in immigration laws. I’m an Iraqi Citizen with J-1 visa and i’m married to a U.S citizen. I Applied for Asylum 9 months ago and i haven’t done the interview yet. I might need to go back to Iraq for couple of months next year and I want to know what is the consequences of s such visit. if I decided to stay for two years (J-1 requirement) in Iraq and apply for Green Card, is that possible given that I applied for asylum in U.S and left the country.
Sorry again for this post
regards
Unless USCIS thinks the original asylum application is a fraud, you should be able to do what you propose. However, you should inform the asylum office when you leave and you should keep evidence showing that the original asylum case was valid and showing your reason for returning to Iraq. Good luck, Jason
Thanks Jason,
As far as I know if I leave United State to Iraq I cant come back whether it is two months or two years. I need to apply for Green Card ( I dont think USCIS will agree to give me any type of Visa) so i can come back to U.S. I should show to USCIS ( at the U.S embassy) my asylum evidence and reason for visiting Iraq when I apply for Green Card in iraq, right?
I do not know whether you will need to show them evidence about your asylum case, but you will need to tell them that you applied, and if they ask, you will have to show them the documentation, so it is a good idea to keep all that handy in case it is needed.
Just a suggestion, Why you do not adjust your status here in US based on your marriage and when you get your green card you could go back to Iraq.
LOL
Hi Jason
I submitted my asylum application in June 2013 and I interviewed at Chicago office on March 25, 2015. Till date I have not received any decision yet. Upon inquiring asylum office do not give any answer. In this scenario what should I do to expedite my case decision or what do you why they are taking so long to give decision on the case. Thanks
Unfortunately, these types of delays are pretty common. Besides inquiring now and again with the Asylum Office, you can also contact the USCIS Ombudsman (a link is at right) or file a mandamus lawsuit, but that is really a last resort. Good luck, Jason
Hello Jason.
Sorry for the off topic, could you tell me please if it’s ok to be asked by San Francisco office to send first the statement , and after that to get the interview date.
I’m waiting for the interviu since december 15th 2014.
Thank you.
I do not understand the question – you can submit a statement or additional information to the asylum office prior to your interview. In my local office, this must be submitted one week in advance; other offices may have a different rule. Take care, Jason
I know that we need to submit a statement or additional information after we have already an interview date. Usually in San Francisco they asked to submit two weeks in advance, but I recieved a call that I need to sent to the office my statement and after that they will give me an interview date. So my question is if that is a reason to get worried, it could be a problem or not? Becouse usually they don’t do that. Usually they ask for the statement after people recieve a letter with interview date.
Thank you.
I have not heard that before, so I do not know. It may just be that they are preparing to interview you, and they need the statement. In any case, I suppose you should submit it and see what happens. Good luck, Jason
Thank you!
Hi Mariana,
My asylum case is also at SF office. I would like to ask you to share me information.
What kind of statement are they asking you to submit? Is it the affidavit?
Thanks
Hi Sol, yes the affidavit.
it is very weird becouse usually they ask for the statement two weeks before the interview.
Hello Jason
After 70 days my interview I received a letter of “Intent of Deny” and there is written , “provide rebuttal to this notice is support of your request”. I am given sixteen days for to submit such rebuttal or new evidence. Here Im wondering what that mean and is it any chances to approve my case if I request within given time.
Thank You.
For these letters, we have been successful about 50% of the time – so it is possible to still win the case. You should read the letter and determine what they need, and then, if possible, explain and/or give them the new information. I do recommend you hire a lawyer to help you, if you can, but at least you should try to answer them, as it is possible to win, and if you do not respond, for sure your case will be denied. Good luck, Jason
Thank You Jason, I will do my best.
To get maximum points, you have to say the Jewish answers in a voice like Billy Crystal playing Miracle Max in The Princess Bride.
He clearly said, To blaithe…